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ok its been way too long since i've updated. but let me give you the dl.
im basically not going anywhere. ive decided to just be ok with my life and stop freaking out. because my sister nathalia doesnt have the financial situation to be able to take care of me. so i have to be with my mom. so that whole thing with my mom wanting to kick me out, wont even work because my sister cant take me. and even if my mom was ok with my leaving, for my own good of my happiness and my education, i cant go.
my life will begin on october 10th, 2008. when my mom has that interview.
vent #3 - last weekend & finally telling my mom i dont want to fight anymore</b>
this weekend that just passed, this last sunday, i came back home. i went to my friends house straight from school to her house on friday, and stayed until sunday. i was so happy, i love that girl, her name is jessica. i dont like think shes my best friend, but shes the best one i have out of everyone. shes just like me, we have lots and lots in common. and shes just fun. shes got her flaws but so do i. so when i went to her house, something happened on sunday. she was supposed to go to her ex boyfriends house to talk to her exboyfriends dad and get like a dvd player. and she left at like 3pm and i was like ok ill stay here and then you come back later. the house was close, like 10 or 15 minutes away so she walked. then like hours and hours passed and she didnt come back. i started gtting worried, and so did her mom. but then her mom started getting mad, saying jessica has done this before. leaves and doesnt even say when shes coming back or she jusdt doesnt even call. like jessica left her cell at the house and all she had to do was use the boyfriends cell to call reqal fast and say im gonna take a little while, ok? but no. im over there thinking she gotlike run over or something. and the next day at school she explained to me that when she went no one was at teh house except the ex boyfriend and then they started talking until the dad was gonna come home. irresponsible. completely irresponsible. all she had to do was call. so when i came home i was all worried. because when i left her house, she still hadn't come back. so i went home thinking omg do you think shes back yet blah blah bla. and then my mom came home and i guess i was kinda mean to her. or i wasnt mean, but like wasnt showing as much emotion as i should have. it had been like 3 days since i hadnt seen her, and i didnt even say like omg hi i missed you. but i was stressed. and quite frankly i liked being away from her.
long story short. we had another fight. i had watched my tone of voice the whole time. because my mom loves to talk to my sister nathlia and say that i was yelling and shouting. so this time i talked. every time my mom yelled, i talked. and i talked. i didnt walk around, i sat down and i talked rationally. so that my mom could see i didnt want to fight. the fight basically ended up going into the whole stephanie youre gonna stay these next 2 years and put up with me. and then i started crying and saying to her i wanted to change and be a better daughter. because my mom is alawys, ALLWAYS, comparing me to delyanne, my oldest sister. and my mom doesnt hate her, but she seriously dislikes her. delyanne is just a rude and dry person. so i get hurt when my mom says im like her. and i was there telling her i ddint want to be that. and my mom said i cant change i never will. its how i am and im horrible. and i said but im TRYING to change. i WANT TO BE DIFFERENT. why wont you help me? the reason im so bitchy to you is because i dont know how to be nice. but you can HELP me. and i ended up with serious crying adn saying i dont want to fight anymore. and from now on everything she says is how things will go. that i was gionna do everything i could. and im tired of being so depressed. and how i wake up every morning and i dont like where i am. where i go to school and i dont want to go home. i dont want that anymore. i dont care about my education, if im unhappy. id rather never go to college as long as i can be happy inside my heart. then she turned into that "awww im so sorry balh blah blh dont be sad itll be ok" and that bullshit.
end of story, i think me and my mom have finally stopped fighting.
vent #4 - marcelo
this kid marcelo like broke my heart yesterday. im not like in love with him or anything. but i gotta admit i had like a teeny crush on him. whatever, it was the hormones. its just that everything he did bothered me. he was such a fucking kid. like if didnt want to take a photo with him, hed be like ok dont ever talk to me again. and he would seriously not talk to me for like days. and what was even MORE annoying was that he would be SUPER RUDE to me while he wasnt talking to me. like call me names or push me or shit like that. but still, inside me, i wanted me and him to make up so we could be friends again. because when he was mean, he was so cruel. but when he was nice, he was SO nice to me. but yesterday it was enough for me. i couldnt handle it anymore. he has this stupid joke. well, "joke". he like grabs peoples stuff and hides it. and at first its funny but then it gets annoying after a couple of times. he gets like peoples pens or bookbags and shit. so yesterday he took my bookbag, and then he gave it back we had laughs blah blah blah. but then he took it again and i saw him take it. he didnt know i saw. and i waited and wanted to see if he would give it back. then i heard him talking to the people around him, saying shit like 'omg i cant believe she still hasnt noticed.' anyway, at the end of the class when school was like almost over i was like ok i was waiting to see if you could maybe grow up and stop being such a 5 year old, butnow that i see that thats impossible for you, can you please give me back my bookbag? and he was all denying it denying denying it. which was so fucking stupid. and he actually got MAD that i blamed him for it. but i SAW him take it. then when i was with my backs turned, he took out the bag from his bag, and put it on the table and then i heard my ipod fall. i almost turned into a beast. even though i SAW him take out my bag, he STILL denyed it. thats the DUMBEST shit ive ever heard in my life. so then i got so mad i didnt even want to see his face. i ran downstairs and vented a little to jessica. and then came marcelo trying to tell me oh it wasnt me who took it and i basically exploded in his face. telling him in sick of him being so immature and that he keeps wanting to be my boyfriend but he seriously is bad at it. that i actually liked him, and it could be posible for me to date him, if he stopped acting like he was 5. but because of these dumb jokes, i cant handle it anymore. that he stops talking to me without a reason, that he keeps wanting to hold me hand and kissing me even though i tell him i dont awnt to. and when i say i dont want to, he gets angry. but that to me is like saying, oh she doesnt want to be my girlfriend so im not gonna talk to her cos why would i waste my time and be her friend when i dont want to be her friend, i want to fuck her. so then in the middle of me trying to talk to him, he like walked away and said he didnt care. i HATE THAT. i HATE HATE HATE HATE people who do that. who just fucking walk away and dont even talk. UGHHHHHHHHHH. i got so fucking angry i was almost crying.
the only way im gonna forget him is to go to like every club i can find and hook up with like thousands of guys to make him see that i dont give a shit about him. jesus christ.
all im worried about now is my tests for school. because here, where i am is like 8th grade. after 8th grade you go to high school. here highschool is only like 2 years long. and you have to apply to get in. you have to either pay a ridiculous amount of money, or a take a test and pass and get in. its just that the tests are super super hard. and if im gonna stay here at least for another year, if my mom gets rejected, then i have to get into a school. so i need to study. i may not be going online as much as i used to. i hope i get into a good school. but what i hope more is that i go to america.
im basically not going anywhere. ive decided to just be ok with my life and stop freaking out. because my sister nathalia doesnt have the financial situation to be able to take care of me. so i have to be with my mom. so that whole thing with my mom wanting to kick me out, wont even work because my sister cant take me. and even if my mom was ok with my leaving, for my own good of my happiness and my education, i cant go.
my life will begin on october 10th, 2008. when my mom has that interview.
vent #3 - last weekend & finally telling my mom i dont want to fight anymore</b>
this weekend that just passed, this last sunday, i came back home. i went to my friends house straight from school to her house on friday, and stayed until sunday. i was so happy, i love that girl, her name is jessica. i dont like think shes my best friend, but shes the best one i have out of everyone. shes just like me, we have lots and lots in common. and shes just fun. shes got her flaws but so do i. so when i went to her house, something happened on sunday. she was supposed to go to her ex boyfriends house to talk to her exboyfriends dad and get like a dvd player. and she left at like 3pm and i was like ok ill stay here and then you come back later. the house was close, like 10 or 15 minutes away so she walked. then like hours and hours passed and she didnt come back. i started gtting worried, and so did her mom. but then her mom started getting mad, saying jessica has done this before. leaves and doesnt even say when shes coming back or she jusdt doesnt even call. like jessica left her cell at the house and all she had to do was use the boyfriends cell to call reqal fast and say im gonna take a little while, ok? but no. im over there thinking she gotlike run over or something. and the next day at school she explained to me that when she went no one was at teh house except the ex boyfriend and then they started talking until the dad was gonna come home. irresponsible. completely irresponsible. all she had to do was call. so when i came home i was all worried. because when i left her house, she still hadn't come back. so i went home thinking omg do you think shes back yet blah blah bla. and then my mom came home and i guess i was kinda mean to her. or i wasnt mean, but like wasnt showing as much emotion as i should have. it had been like 3 days since i hadnt seen her, and i didnt even say like omg hi i missed you. but i was stressed. and quite frankly i liked being away from her.
long story short. we had another fight. i had watched my tone of voice the whole time. because my mom loves to talk to my sister nathlia and say that i was yelling and shouting. so this time i talked. every time my mom yelled, i talked. and i talked. i didnt walk around, i sat down and i talked rationally. so that my mom could see i didnt want to fight. the fight basically ended up going into the whole stephanie youre gonna stay these next 2 years and put up with me. and then i started crying and saying to her i wanted to change and be a better daughter. because my mom is alawys, ALLWAYS, comparing me to delyanne, my oldest sister. and my mom doesnt hate her, but she seriously dislikes her. delyanne is just a rude and dry person. so i get hurt when my mom says im like her. and i was there telling her i ddint want to be that. and my mom said i cant change i never will. its how i am and im horrible. and i said but im TRYING to change. i WANT TO BE DIFFERENT. why wont you help me? the reason im so bitchy to you is because i dont know how to be nice. but you can HELP me. and i ended up with serious crying adn saying i dont want to fight anymore. and from now on everything she says is how things will go. that i was gionna do everything i could. and im tired of being so depressed. and how i wake up every morning and i dont like where i am. where i go to school and i dont want to go home. i dont want that anymore. i dont care about my education, if im unhappy. id rather never go to college as long as i can be happy inside my heart. then she turned into that "awww im so sorry balh blah blh dont be sad itll be ok" and that bullshit.
end of story, i think me and my mom have finally stopped fighting.
vent #4 - marcelo
this kid marcelo like broke my heart yesterday. im not like in love with him or anything. but i gotta admit i had like a teeny crush on him. whatever, it was the hormones. its just that everything he did bothered me. he was such a fucking kid. like if didnt want to take a photo with him, hed be like ok dont ever talk to me again. and he would seriously not talk to me for like days. and what was even MORE annoying was that he would be SUPER RUDE to me while he wasnt talking to me. like call me names or push me or shit like that. but still, inside me, i wanted me and him to make up so we could be friends again. because when he was mean, he was so cruel. but when he was nice, he was SO nice to me. but yesterday it was enough for me. i couldnt handle it anymore. he has this stupid joke. well, "joke". he like grabs peoples stuff and hides it. and at first its funny but then it gets annoying after a couple of times. he gets like peoples pens or bookbags and shit. so yesterday he took my bookbag, and then he gave it back we had laughs blah blah blah. but then he took it again and i saw him take it. he didnt know i saw. and i waited and wanted to see if he would give it back. then i heard him talking to the people around him, saying shit like 'omg i cant believe she still hasnt noticed.' anyway, at the end of the class when school was like almost over i was like ok i was waiting to see if you could maybe grow up and stop being such a 5 year old, butnow that i see that thats impossible for you, can you please give me back my bookbag? and he was all denying it denying denying it. which was so fucking stupid. and he actually got MAD that i blamed him for it. but i SAW him take it. then when i was with my backs turned, he took out the bag from his bag, and put it on the table and then i heard my ipod fall. i almost turned into a beast. even though i SAW him take out my bag, he STILL denyed it. thats the DUMBEST shit ive ever heard in my life. so then i got so mad i didnt even want to see his face. i ran downstairs and vented a little to jessica. and then came marcelo trying to tell me oh it wasnt me who took it and i basically exploded in his face. telling him in sick of him being so immature and that he keeps wanting to be my boyfriend but he seriously is bad at it. that i actually liked him, and it could be posible for me to date him, if he stopped acting like he was 5. but because of these dumb jokes, i cant handle it anymore. that he stops talking to me without a reason, that he keeps wanting to hold me hand and kissing me even though i tell him i dont awnt to. and when i say i dont want to, he gets angry. but that to me is like saying, oh she doesnt want to be my girlfriend so im not gonna talk to her cos why would i waste my time and be her friend when i dont want to be her friend, i want to fuck her. so then in the middle of me trying to talk to him, he like walked away and said he didnt care. i HATE THAT. i HATE HATE HATE HATE people who do that. who just fucking walk away and dont even talk. UGHHHHHHHHHH. i got so fucking angry i was almost crying.
the only way im gonna forget him is to go to like every club i can find and hook up with like thousands of guys to make him see that i dont give a shit about him. jesus christ.
all im worried about now is my tests for school. because here, where i am is like 8th grade. after 8th grade you go to high school. here highschool is only like 2 years long. and you have to apply to get in. you have to either pay a ridiculous amount of money, or a take a test and pass and get in. its just that the tests are super super hard. and if im gonna stay here at least for another year, if my mom gets rejected, then i have to get into a school. so i need to study. i may not be going online as much as i used to. i hope i get into a good school. but what i hope more is that i go to america.
- Location:brazil; barra mansa
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:matt costa; cant stop moving
