hiiii! && sorry for the long wait! >___<"
it's that alot has been going on. seriously. get ready for a novel entry :/

-{Leo}
so we're going out. he asked to be my boyfriend june 9th.  i decided to give him a second chance and everything. and im really happy. he kisses fucking awesome, we have fun together, he's not a virgen but said he wont pressure me, he's romantic, he's sexy, great body, have i shown you pictures of him before?
( pix. )
anyways, lots of stuff have happened since i havent written in forever. so. we've already gone out together alone. like. just me and him. i thought it would suck. but remember? i got over my fear of being with someone alone (: so we talk a hell of a lot and kiss a hell of a lot. im really really happy. he's already came over to my house, met my mom, ive met his mom . and im basically really fucking happy.

-{moving to america}
so i think that if all the documents go correctly, i should be leaving august/september. thank god. i just have to get my RG which is like a social security in america. and then i get my passport. and then i get permission from the judge to leave america. because here in brazil, you're not allowed to leave the country if you're underage. you can only leave if you have permission from the mom and the dad. but since my dads not exactly in the picture, i have to go through a bunch of shit with the judge. my mom has to say that she divorced and shit but like, she got divorced in AMERICA so it doesnt count here in brazil, so she's still like married here. sooo. its really complicated. anyways. if he lets me go, then all i have to do is ask my sisters to pay for my plane ticket to america. which is really big problem, also. i was having a conversation with my mom the other day. and she basically said abunch of things that i already knew but i never really thought of. so, here goes the explanation. when my mom left the united states, she sold her house in miami. that money was the money she used while she was in africa, france, england, etc. she was just using using using the money. and then she came to brasil and still had alot of the money left. so she was basically depending on that money. but, you know . money ends after a while if you don't get a job. and my mom can't get a job here because she's old and she doesn't have a diploma. so now. we were having this conversation and she told me that she couldn't take care of me financially anymore. that the money she has will probly last her another half a year, if that. so i basically have to leave. it's a sad thing to think about. i know that i want to go, but i didnt want to go like this.

-{nathalia&&mymom}
so they're pretty much fighting. something happened and now they're like totally not talking to each other. but my sister is trying to make her own company so my mom has to understand that she's really stressed out and can't be calling every day. and for a while i was defending my sister , you know. but then like a fucking month passed and she still doesnt call. i know shes stressed. but if shes "so" stressed, how does she have a boyfriend? she's got some fucking boytoy and goes all the way to another city to go visit him. but she doesnt have half an hour to call her mom and sister? so my sister said that my mom has to call sometimes, so that my sister knows when she's home. and then my sister can call and talk to her. but when my mom calls it's expensive, also when she calls my sister doesnt call back. we send emails and stuff and she still doesnt care. im also worried about her because this guy doesnt work. and im worried that she gets involved with ANOTHER guy thats not worth anything, not even the fucking floor he walks on. remember carlos? her ex husband? the guy who was a fucking druggie , no job, lived with his mom and made her suffer like crazy and she married him to get papers. well thank god thats over. but now she goes and finds this guy (felix) ? shes even thinking of moving to jacksonville just because of this guy!! on top of this, shes trying to make her own business. which i dont even know is working right! if itsreally sucessful or it was a fucking waste of money. i just wish everything was back to normal. it seems like everything got all mixed up now. i dont know whats going to happen. my mom cant take care of me here in brasil, and my sister in florida can't take care of me if she's gonna be in a shit business that isn't sucessful at all.

-{bonus}
*  i went to go cut my hair in the shape of a V. all i wanted was the shape of a v, thats IT. what happened? the bitch cut my hair ALL fucking wrong. i only found out when i got home and straightened it. it looks like someone got a fucking butcher knife and hacked it. good lord. but anyways. i went back and got my money back and fixed it -_________-
* theres that kid kevin whos totally in love with me who lives in miami. he's crazy for me to go back ;/ poor guy. well i used to like him. it's true, i did. but idk, after i started getting boyfriends and stuff in brazil, the feeling just started fading. what can i do? ;/ it's life. but he hasnt found anyone and he's still obsessed with me. and says he loves me etc etc. but seriously. he's just a friend now. and i dont even see him as that much of a friend. idk. he's just been really useless these days. every time i talk to him its like. idk. one of those cold convos and no one says anything and the convo just dies. i've seriosuly been thinking of blocking the guy and not telling him when im going back to america. but its just too cruel and idk if i could do that. but i just KNOW that if i go back to america he's gonna wanna be my boyfriend. its gonna be really awkward.

(`> Leo; What Happened?
   So the guy became obsessed with me. i'm too lazy to say everything about this, but i'll say it all more or less. he was basically a parasite. he'd hold my hand everywhere we went, i couldnt go anywhere that he'd get all touchy feely "Aww don't leave mee" and it pissed me off. because in recess, i talk to ALOT of people. so when i was with him, it would be him and me on a bench. you know how i am. im not even a little bit shy. and this guy made me stick to a bench? oh no no. and another thing. by like the second time i hooked up with him, he said i love you. he told his parents about me, his friends, etc. and he was SUFFOCATING ME X____X i couldn't handle it anymore. it was like having fucking gum on my shoe. so i told him i didn't want it anymore. and then like, that same night, what happened? all oof a sudden im at my house and the intercom rings. "Good evening, there's a Leonardo here waiting for you" i almost had a fucking heart attack. first of all, i made him wait. obviously. it was like 6pm when he called and i made him wait until like 6:30. because what the fuck, i didn't invite him, if he doesnt want to wait , too bad. god, it's so funny how the tables turned. i was so obsessed about him. i would think about him 24/7 and then when he was there waiting for me downstairs i was disgusted. i didn't see anything special anymore. he even had the nerve to tell me "you know, monday i was gonna stop going out with you but idk, i didnt"  wtf? is that something to SAY to a girl when you're trying to win her back? AHAHAH how pathetic. so i was there waiting for my friends [because i had planned to go out with some people] and he was talking to me while my friends hadn't come yet. asking to get back with me. that he was sorry and he was too close to me and he shouldve let me breathe a little. and i was like ugh no! i dont want you, period. andthen i saw my friends and i was like, look im gonna go over there and talk to them? ok? bye. and he was like "..... can i go with you?" (he didnt mean to the mall with us, he meant to the corner, to the bench where my friends were) and i was like whatever if you want to. this kid is like a fucking dog behind me. whatever. and then like. i told him that i was going to america soon and i dont want ANYONE to know. and what happened? everyone knows. he told a bunch of people. so he's a fucking retard :D !

(`> Slut?
      So let me try to fill you in on everything. while i was with leo, even though i liked him and everything, we were just "hooking up". it wasnt like oh you're mine and thats it. it's something that brasil has. its hard to explain because of american culture. anyways. it's basically like, you hook up witha  guy with no promises, no strings attached. if you dont want to continue, its ok. if you do, its ok. if you want something serious, thats when you ask to be bf and gf. anyways, thats why i got pissed at leo because he was treating me like a girlfriend. and i realized, with him that i dont want that. i just want to have fun. so. continuing. while  i was with leo, i kinda made out with another kid. he kissed really bad, whatever, it just happened. so then i met this kids brother. HOLY CRAP. he is so fucking hot. he's probly like 6'3 :o! i'll put picturesof him at the end of the entry. anyways. so he added me on msn etc etc and we staarted talking and like i started liking him. and the poor kid who i hooked up with, his brother, (igor) is like in love with me. poor guy. and im over here interessted in his brother lmao. anyways. so me and him kinda planned to go my friends house (kaue) to watch a movie and have fun. and i was gonna invite my friend natalia but she didnt go. im getting kinda scared that im actually starting to like victor :/ and that's not good cos he's sort of a womanizer. anyways. so. the day where there was just me, kaue, and leo. yesterday. a night i'll never forget.

(`> Friday Night; What Happened?
i told mom i was gonna go watch a movie. these days i've been lying alot to her. oh well. basically we went to our friends house, instead of kaues house. we went to the bedroom, they took off their shirts and shorts and i took off my pants and had like sophies under. i was basically on top of victor and kaue was on top of me and we were like humping each other. it was like a fucking three way. but i didn't have sex, didn't do anything. they touched me, obviously. kept trying to 'do things' but i said i didnt want to. victor understood. which is why i like him. he didn't insist. kaue was different. i thought kaue was like this quiet kid or something. but jesus christ. he was all oveer me. he was touching me and tried to take off my shirt at least 40 times and my shorts at least 60. i would make out with kaue and then victor would be behind me and then ill make out with victor and kaue would be behind me. and then there was a time when kaue took me and he wouldnt let me go and it was really bothering me because i went there to hook up with VICTOR. not kaue. so i dont know why i was even making out with him in the first place. and kaue kissed really bad also. victor kisses alot better. it's funny because kaue kisses just like victor's brother, igor. hmm... anyways. so there was a time when i was lied down, kaue was on top of me, basically having sex with me with briefs on, and victor was making out with me.

so here comes the worst part of the night.
kaue all of a sudden gets up and said 'aw shit i came'. he came. he came. and he was ON me when he did that. ON ME. at the time i didnt think that much. i was making out with victor and let kaue clean himself. and then we all got dressed, stayed a little bit in the living room, etc. then i finally got home. and i took off my pants, i had those shorts underneath, and when i took off the shorts underneath, i saw it. a stain. it was all wet. in the front. on my shorts. he came on me. i went insane. thank god my mom wasnt home because i went histerical. i started crying and took a shower immediately. i told victor that night. he got worried. he helped me. said that saturday [today] he was gonna pass by my house and we were gonna go to the pharmacy together . and buy the morning after pill. he calmed me down. so today i went. he bought it for me. it was sweet. he really did sound worried. so i bought it and took it when i got home. in 12 hours i have to take another one. i didnt tell kaue about any of this. god. i regret everything. well, i dont regret hooking up with victor. i regret being a fucking slut and letting kaue do all that shit with me. seriously there were times i got scared and thought he was gonna try to have sex with me. he grabbed me and starting putting his hands down my pants. ugh. everything was just so traumatizing.
end of story, im never going to do that again. last night i learned a huge lesson. victor invited me to go to his house monday. i'm gonna go. im gonna go because victor never did anything wrong with me. he went calm. he was slow. and i know him, i know his 'way' and i know he's a careful guy. he said he was gonna invite kaue but i told him im only gonna go if he invites a girl to be with kaue. victor even told me that kaue was actually thinking that i was gonna have sex with him. and victor asked if he brought a condom and he said no he's gonna do it without, it doesnt matter. and victor, he brought a condom, i saw it. at least he was safe. he wasnt forcing me to do anything with him. but IF i did something, he'd have used a condom.

so that's how my life's been. pretty fucking traumatizing.

( Pictures :D )

LEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
okay okay. so im in love with the guy! and i cant wait to get to know him so much better. god i was looking at his pictures today and i almost had a fucking heart attack. i cant BELIEVE im going out with this masterpiece. the only defect he has is that he's short. but i like short people! it's tootallllyyy okay with me :DDDDDDDDD

( Pictuuuresss )

>> diz:
assim num da amor
vo ter q me csa com vc
eu tava pensando em a gente so namora e talz
mas assim ...
ops flei de mais
amanha a gente converssa amor
pessoalmente é beeeemmm melhor

:D i cant wait for tomorrrrooowwwww :))))))) lots of things are gonna happen
oh goooodddd he's gonna ask to be with meeeeee :DDD. and then im gonna have to tell mom
oh jeeesussss.

im probly gonna hook up with igors brother, victor
I KNOW i shouldnt. but i am. i know it makes no sense saying i love leo but im gonna do this. it's the last time i do something slutty. what the fuck im a slut leave me alone. we planned to go to kaues house and watch a movie. so it's probly gonna roll between me and him. he's so fucking hot.

i still love leo
but i just wanna do this
just to do it
i dont know why
i hope i dont regret this all.

so yesterday. was great & bad.

The first time i smoked from a bong
it wasn't pot. it was like. incense. ¬¬" lame , but it still got me dizzy. i was at kaue's house and there was igor, vitor [igors sexy brother], wellington, wallace, and another kaue. they took out the bong and started putting some weird shit in it. and then they were all hitting and crap. and i was like ok whatever. and then i was like oh what the hell i'll try it. and then we we're all timing how long we could hit it for. it was fucking fun and i plan on doing it again.
ps; i was supposed to go home at like 10pm but i ended up going at 10;45 lmao.
pps; while we were all smoking, vitor would hit it and then blow the smoke in my face and i would suck it in and then when kauê did it, and i was sucking it in, he gave me a pop kiss (66666) hahaha ;)

The first time i "cheated" on someone
not because i like LOVE igor but i just wanted him to fucking SHUT UP. i thought about Leo the whole time. and like, the worst part is that while i was at kaues house and i was online and everything, leo was online. i talked to him and igor was all over me while i was talking to him. and he was like i love you i love you and i was like almost making out with igor. que pecado ;/ and then he sent me a depoimento that was beautifullll. i told him i was at a friends house and stuff. i technically was.... anyways. so then it was just me and igor, kaue was buying charcoal to put on the bong. anyways. i told him not to tell anyone. if he does im just gonna deny it. sooo. it went and like. to be honest. igor kisses really bad. he wouldnt open his fucking mouth. and he was like giving me a bunch of pop kisses what the fuck ¬¬' and he wa slike "aiii gostou neeh?" and i wanted to like run away and kiss leo because me and leo. ugh our kiss is like perfect. but whatever. i said "cheated" because im not leo's girlfriend or anything. so its SORT OF okay. end of story.
oh wait! LMAO
ps: while i was making out with igor he asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend. LMAO LMAO LMAO. i wanted to like laugh in his face.

( Leo's Testimonial <3 )

( Igor's Testimonial LOL )

oh &&&&&&&&& im so excited to go to leo's house on wednesdayyyyyyy <33333333333333
he told his mommmmm about me alreadyy    *-----------------*

so we went to the movies yesterday. to go see X-Men: Wolverine. how'd it go? how the fuck should i know, if the entire time i was making out with LEO?
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD³³³³
He actually weeeeent! he told his parents that he didnt want to go to the dentist anymore, so he came over TO MY BUILDING and called me at 3:30 so we could go *-----------* i already loved that. since gabriel wouldn't go anywhere fucking near my house ¬¬" so then i told him to go to the mall and wait for me because i wasnt even close to ready. and then i went to the mall, and went to the 4th floor, saw him there sitting alone. and almost had a fucking heart attack. god. i just feel such strange things for him ~~ :D so then we stayed there, waited for a while. rodrigo showed up. and then marcos, rafael, and mayara. and then we bought the tickets and sat in the theatre. and jesus christ. we made out the whole fucking time. i actually wanted to see the movie to be honest but i didnt give a shit ;DDD and then like. while i was kissing him i started trying a bunch of new things to see how'd he react. and obviously he loved it. liiiiike, we switched candies, i bit his lip, he bit mine, i rolled the tip of my tongue around his, i licked his lips, i kissed his neck, he kissed mine. and there was actually a time where he would kiss my neck and he went down down down and like started kissing my chest. aka. boobs. oh god. the whole time i had goosebumps. he said eu te amo a bunch of times but i didnt. i get scared im gonna get hurt. we left the movie theatre and everyone was asking "e aí? qual foi o sentido do filme?" LMAO. and then we went to go buy milkshakes, he bought one for me :) and then we all had fun and played around. we kissed more. there were times when i was kissing him and he would have to stop and breathe because he was going insane. oh god i turned into a professional kisser. YAY. OH! AND! IMPORTANT DETAIL! MUYMUYIMPORTANTE! :DDD
while we were making out in the theatre i think i realized that Leo really does like me. becausssssseeeee. he doesn't just make out. like grab my ass and shove his tongue down my throat like gustavo, felipe, lucas did. [note:rafael did the exact opposite. lmaolmao] he would kiss my softly. i've never given so many pop kisses in my life.and we did those slow kisses where all you do are those cute eskimo kisses and rub your lips together without actually kissing. oh my god.
and then we went home, he asked me if i loved him or if i was just having fun. but then like. i told him i was scared of getting hurt etc etc etc. and he said dont worry. obs: he's not a virgin =//

oh and i was thinking. if he asks me to be his girlfriend i'm obviously going to say yes. but im wondering how i should tell mom. i really she accepts it. and also, i was thinking again. would i leave leo just to go to the us? can i leave him? unfortuantely, i love him, i feel so strongely about him, but yes. i would leave him. but its okay, im not gonna live my life like i used to in america. not date anyone because im scared of getting attached. i want to live my life.
so. online yesterday night we made PLANS. to go to HIS house and "watch" a movie. no ones gonna be in his house omg omg omg. i really really really hope he's not just expecting sex because that would seriousl disappoint me. but whatever.
i went to sleep thinking about him.
i woke up thinking about him.
i sang and sang love songs.
i danced.
im happy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

&& my sister is gonna send the money to get the documents for me to leave brazil [aka, passport, RG (which is like a brazilian social security), etc etc] its like 200 reais which is only like 110 dollars or around there, idk.
&& there was a bunch of drama in my school. my best friend [or what i thought was my best friend] told me that theres a rumor that i was expelled from a school in the us. what the fuck? and then she wouldnt tell me who it was. and like, if she was really my friend she would tell me. she just told me this person was trustful and she doesnt think this person would lie. and that "she doesnt know who to believe" and that just broke my heart. if she was really my best friend, she wouldve tried to help me. defend me. but then like, some shit passed. we said a buncha crap to each other etc etc and then she told me it was the fucking portuguese teacher? WTF? she said the port. teacher just went and said it. and she said it to my friend lucas and then lucas told natalia and natalia told me. and thats how it all happened. and then i told natalia i was disapointed because i thought she was my friend and shit and then she started crying and then we made up and hugged and now everythings okay, i think. but monday im definitely gonna fucking talk to the port. teacher :|
&& im with this boy, Leonardo. everyone calls him Leo. i call him amor. i think i finally found someone thats WORTH something. someone who deserves me. he kinda has that face like, of a boy whos totally 'sem vergonha' and just hooks up and never takes anything seriously, but i dont think so. i think he really likes me. i really do. i cant tell mom yet, idk if i should. im waiting for a while to see if it gets serious. i cant WAIT to tell nathalia. oh god he just kisses so good and he just is so fuckign romantic and he just ughhhhhhhhhhh peeeeeeeeeeerfectttttttttttttttttttt! today like. he was kissing me and like. i felt BUTTERFLIES. do you know how long its been since ive felt BUTTERFLIES?! holy mother of god. and when he stopped kissing he said he loved me. and then i was like 'what did you say?' and then he said 'oh crap i said something wrong, im sorry, forget it' and i was all like oh my god oh my god oh my god
++ today we went to the mall and we kissed like a bunch of times oh my god. i think rafael was like a little awkward, i thought he still liked me and wanted to be with me. but then i talked to him and i wanted him to be honest, why are you sad? and then he said he regretted breaking up with Mayara. he still likes her and wants to be with her again. so thats good, hes forgotten about me, i hope.
i have never been so happy with a boy. i REALLY hope it works out between us. I REALLY DO ♥!
+ ill put pictures next time :DDD [leo's kinda small , like short, but what the fuck ever :D who am i to complain about height? adrienne?]
+ adriene: who by the way, i never talk to anymore (Y) neither emilena (Y)

LEEEEEEEO!
♥

so i'll be copying and pasting from the lj i share with barbara narciso .


*so i don't really know who im hooking up with ? [EDIT] no one?
i've been with felipe and shit but idk. we stopped because he just has nothing to do with me and i know we're never gonna be able to be like boyfriend and girlfriend. also he's like SUPER jealous and i hate that. then i hooked up with lucas, who's a GREAT friend of mine. he's like that friend you can make out with and no one cares. like i told you. so i hooked up with him and shit, and emilena found out. she probly got sad but she's not that mad at me. not even a little bit. so we're good friends again. adriene is another girl who's just pissing me off and i really dont like the girl. idk. and she keeps saying i wanna steal her "Guy" alex. and shes not even dating him! like. theyre just making out every once in a while. wtf. and like. she told me today that she might finish with alex and go back with her ex boyfriend. whateverrr. so i'm not like gonna do anything serious with lucas. cos he makes out with everyone so i dont care. i just did it to have fun. and felipe, i'll probly hook up with him at the club. i've turned into a total slut? haha. but whatever. i think that after the club i'll be done and i wont hook up with anyone for a while. [EDIT] i didnt go to the club: read below.
*The Trotty Sunday
anyway's i've been really sick. last week i got sick. i went out saturday and then i got sick sunday morning. remember when i told you i was supposed to go to that club The Trotty Sunday? well i couldn't even go because i got so sick. i got this throat infection. i get it all the time it's like common now. i hate it but i just get it always. so i got sick like for 3 or 4 days. and then this saturday i went to the mall and saw that movie The Haunting in Connecticut i think it's called. they change the titles here in brazil so yeah. i get confused sometimes ;x so i went out and then sunday morning i got sick again! and i threw up this time, it wasn't a throat infection. and then i spent the whole day in bed and sunday night i tried to take a shower but i ended up getting weak and i had to get out immediately and throw up again. and now it's monday and i didn't go to school because i need some rest. idk why i get sick so easily. it's only been happening to me since i moved to brazil ):
*i've been doing pretty bad in school
i've been like skipping class and shit like that. and i like sleep in class. and i don't copy the board and i have like nothing in my notebook and don't do homework. godammit. my moms gonna freak when she sees my report card with all those absenses x________x
*my sister is unemployed.
the sister in florida. i was supposed to go live with her. can you imagine if i did? well basically. she had a job, that was really good but she was just SO depressed in it and really really bored. so she quit because her "best friend" macarena told her that there was a job position where she was working. and then nathalia quit and went to this new job. and then she was all happy. now she found out, in a bunch of ways i dont feel like explaining, that this insurance company does 'crook business'. they basically show up when america is in crisis and everything, then they "help"people with mortages and shit. and then all of a sudden, when they have everyone's money. they fucking disappear and then open up with a new name in a totally diferent place. and this "macarena best friend" tricked my sister. and made her go in this company. and now my sister even knows like the name of the new company, and found out that macarena is one of the crook bosses. and shes just so depressed because now she feels like she can't trust anyone. so can you imagine if i had left brasil to go live with my sister nathalia? and how hard it would be for her now? thank god i didn't. but obviously i have to do 2 things in order for this to happen. i have to show my mom im responsible [maybe get a temporary job here, start cleaning the house more, etc etc] and i have to wait for my sister's situation to get better.
EDITTTTTTTT:
nathalia got a new job:
she made her own company. it's some thing about mortage and stuff. she hasn't told my mom or my other sister that she owns the company, for them not to worry. but she told me. and im not supposed to tell anyone ;x but im really excited because i think her company is gonna really work out and that she'll get alot of money. and hopefully, if she does, i can move back to the us. my mom said if my sisters in good condition i can go. well maybe ill be going soon depending on how this job works :B

-- updates --
* i'm not with rafael anymore, it got all awkward and shit but whatever.
* i felt like hooking up so i hooked up with some guy called gustavo.
* i like david. alot. but only on msn. personally i find him ugly & 'escroto' . on msn he's different.
* i started liking felipe all of a sudden. sucks cos he used to hook up with adriene.
* me & felipe were supposed to go to the movies today but it didnt work out
and i think that he went and waited for me but i didnt go. no one told him not to go. i feel horrible.

to be honest
i could care less about felipe, rafael, david, gustavo, bla bla bla. because today. well....

today gabriel sent me this message on Orkut:

" Oii sua neguinha..
lembra dii mim???
acc ai PLZ
tem hora q bate akele arrependimento misturado cm saudade ai foodi cmg
tenho q tc cm vc de vez em qnd
Te amu ♥ "

response:
" hum .... =///
entaum tah .
se qiser fala comigo eh soh me add no msn . "

i didn't know what else to say. im so nervous.
i'm stupid. ridiculous. we're probly gonna fight again if we talk on msn.
but i still like the son of a bitch. my heart beat faster when i saw his comment.
& i can't wait until we talk on msn again.

okay. i dont know what to do. i like rafael again.
im so fucking confusing. i KNOW. i dont make any sense!
well bla bla bla this is what i was going to do; monday i was gonna hook up with him, and maybe something would "rolar" but who knows ? and then all of a sudden rafael started talking to me. and i started liking him. and i cant hook up with david and tehn hook up with his best friend. like what the fuck; want something sluttier than that ?
after all this bullshit happened,
i realized. i just shouldnt do it. ill hook up with david and then tell him i dont want to anymore. i just hope that rafael will accept me.
well monday david wasnt there. and then tuesday was the day. i was there. he was gonna make out with me. and i told him "im sorry i cant hook up with you because i like rafael" i felt like shit. i hate finishing with people. i hate it its the worst feeling ever. like you're killing the person.
so then he got so fucking sad. and then he went to go talk to rafael. then passed the day, and rafael talked to me on msn, asked if i wanted to hook up, i said yes.
so. today.
wednesday.
the day to be with him.
i hooked up with him in recess. and he was the worst kisser ever. i've only kissed a couple guys but jesus christ. this one passed the limits. and hes SUPER SHY AND I HATE IT
lets make a list, shall we?

The Good Things	The Bad Things
*He's sweet, so won't cheat	* he's shy and most likely won't give me what i want * he doesn't know how to grab me like i need a guy to * he wont tell me im pretty or that he really likes me * we have NOTHING in common and NOTHING to talk about * do i need anything else?

idk what to do
im just gonna be with him cos i feel bad for him
i cant even say "im gonna stay with him cos i wanna have fun and make out"
but i dont have fun with him ! UGH.

i have noticed that i have a problem
i THINK i like people
but i dont. i just want so desperately to be with someone, that i think i like everyone
but jesus
what the fuck have i put myself in.
me and him don't talk. not even on msn. usually on msn people talk for like ever. but with him it dies after "td bem? tudo e vc? tudo. "
the end

what teh fuck ever
im not in love
i wont suffer
who cares

ive even talked to adriene [best friend now] and told her that i wanna cheat on rafael. tht i dont give a shit and i wanna hook up with someone asap. so shes gonna give my email to some dudes. i hope they know how to fucking kiss.
WHATEVER
WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYMORE !?

okay. so there was a love triangle. it's become a love square.
i'm starting to like david. oh god oh god oh god.
like, i dont know how to explain it. i've been trying to like rafael, srsly i have. but like, it just doesnt work. he's just too quiet and so not my type. and im so not "afim de" hook up. i wanna at least have a long fling. so anyways. me and david met online, he goes to my school and he's rafaels really good friend. and he was helping him alot, and i would try to help rafael too so he wouldnt be so shy. but like. i started liking david. and then when we all went to school i felt all nervous and stuff. and then he got into a fight and i got so fucking scared. i saw him all hurt and all i wanted to do was get up from my chair and hug him. and then he went home early with the rest of his class and i didnt see him during recess. but then afterschool he was there <3333 and i talked to him but i got so nervous that i just ended up talking to other people.
and then friday, i couldnt hold it anymore. natalia and adriene already knew i liked david. i had to tell. i couldnt hold it in. and like, then the internet came. *sigh*
long story short, i told adriene to hint in my name in the chat and ask if he'd hook up with me. and he said he would and then he was like ok but what about rafael. and i had already told him i'm not interested. and like. basically. it all went well. he likes me. i like him. we're gonna hook up on saturday at the movies. oh god, yes yes yes. lmao. im so happy.

the love triangle, transformed into a square, and now is just a sweet simple line that connects two people
<3

like. i know you love me. and say you think about me alot. but does that mean that you're being held back? i want you to be completely honest with me. like i am holding you back from actually seeing someone else to love. because you think that one day i might come back and they'll we'll just falll in each others arms and everything will be ok and we'll marry each other. but what if this doesn't happen? are we both going to be waiting forever until we see each other ?
I honestly don't know
for a long time last year. i didnt do anything because i wanted to go to you. and its like. i got that bf and everything. but i didnt really love him. i wasnt happy. he made me so unhappy kevin. you have no idea. he made me cry and cry. he called menames and made me feel like shit. but like. i dont know if im gonna be staying in brazil or going to america. and im 16, gonna be 17 this year. and i've never had a real boyfriend in my whole life. and i cant wait for you forever. im sorry. i know this is a horrible thing to say to you. i feel like im breaking up with you. like, i love you. and im like crying right now. i've been thinking of saying this to you for a while and never had the courage. i love you too much to hurt you. and i dont want us to be held back. i think it's time to accept this. if i move to miami or not. we have to be ok with meeting other people and maybe falling in love. we can still be friends. we can still love each other. but it'll be a diferent love. and it's ok because i dont want to stop talking to you. im just scared that you're going to grow up without anyone. and i dont want to be the reason for that. i want someone to see your beautiful heart. the way you think. i dont want to be the only one to love you. im being selfish keeping you all to myself. im sorry i'm saying all this. you're probly really sad right now. and im over here crying my eyes out. but it's like. i really feel bad. but i want you to always know that i love you. and im saying this so we can both wake up. because we're living an illusion. i'm tired of dreaming of you at night. thinking of one day going to miami and seeing you every day and holding hands and walking everywhere together. im sick of fantasizing like having a happy bg/gf life can really happen. it makes me depressed and miss you more. i want us to be 2 people who love each other. but unfortuanetely it didnt work out. maybe one day, it can work out. but we have to be able to be open and be capable of seeing other people.
the end. im sorry. please tell me you dont hate me
I don't hate you. you're right. between those thoughts I always have of you, everything you just said has been in the back of my mind as well
I just never wanted to put it out there because it made me feel happy and loved and everything, you know? And if I did mention it, I know our relationship would be completely changed, and I didn't want to change anything because I knew I met someone very special (you) and I wanted to keep you in my life no matter if you live one minute or (over) 9000 minutes away from me, whether or not I loved you as a friend or more than that and no, you have not kept me away from anyone. It's just that I haven't found anyone yet. I mean, no one from school really appeals to me. That and, no matter how "beautiful" you say my heart is, it does not change the fact that I have no luck with girls. Girls these days can't care less about a fucking pulsating crimson blob nested in my ribcage. That doesn't fit their mold. I am the furthest thing to be seen holding hands with anyone. Yet for some odd, yet pleasing reason, you were different. You saw through my evident flaws, and saw who the fuck I really was. I didn't care if you were going to be my girlfriend when I really got to know you (well, I did, a little, but that's besides the point). I loved you with all my fucking heart, not only as a lover but also as a best friend. Just talking bullshit like friends do would make my day. Just letting me know that you still cared, after a year of going through these bullshit limitations, would make my day. I know you'll find others, and as will I (if I get lucky for once in my life) but you aren't holding me back. I've liked several girls during your abscense, and you know that. I know our lives are not set in stone by our words, no one's life is. However I've had the best year of my fucking miniscule, pathetic life, all thanks to you, love. The best part is (god I fucking wish that you can underline text on this piece of shit), it doesn't have to stop now. No matter what, no matter how many boyfriends you have, or how many girlfriends I have, I would still give my fucking LIFE for you. I'd take anyone's life for you. I don't know where my sanity would be if I had never went to eat lunch over there at those tables that day. And if you never come back to Miami, I will go to wherever you are. Why should you always have the fun of travelling so much?

i came to this school and i basically got everything i needed to.

• The 'A' Bitch; Kamilla. The girl talked to me in the beginning of the year, but i guess we just didnt "click". so since we're not biffles, she decided to hate me and talk shit about me. and then i did the fucking stupid thing of trusting her in the first week saying i thought rodrigo was cute. now, since she hates me. shes ALL over him. and theyve been in the same class for years, and just now she decides to be all flirty ? but whatever.
• The Love Triangle; Rodrigo + Rafael. so theres rodrigo. hes GORGEOUS. and ive always liked him since like the first day. and then i told this girl kamila that i liked him and she said shed help me. instead of helping me, shes been all hitting on him and shit. and shes a big slut so hell probly hook up with her. and theres this other kid rafael. and marcos. i thought rafael was flirting with me all the time. and then one day, marcos asked to hook up with me! and i was like WTF. WASNT IT RAFAEL ?! and then he was like no. and then i was like no i dont wanna hook up with you. and then rafael, who i've been talking to more, told me that it wasnt like that. that the whole time, rafael wanted me and marcos just fucked up by accident and he was just going crazy and he really wanted my friend natty the whole time. and now. like next weekend, we're all going to the movies. me natty marcos rafael and rodrigo! but its like. i really wanna hook up with rodrigo but rafael really wants to hook up with me. and now i dont know WTF im gonna do ! because if i stay with rodrigo, i'll probly just be "just some girl" and it'll be just a fling, and kamila will probly make my life hell. and maybe if i hook up with him,, ill fuck up a good chance for me to be with rafael cos maybe he's a good guy.
• The Horny Friends; Lucas + Natalia. They're super cool. They're like those slutty friends you always want just to hump and pretend to make out with and just say bullshit with them. they're like my rosie and nic. or my chris and kenzie. *sigh*

" o topo eh meu mais isso não interessa!!!
vc eh uma pessoa mt SpeciaL véya!!!
te amO e não vô t-skecer assim tão facil asSim tah neguinha!!!
acho q vai demora pra eu me acostumar sem vc aki cmg !
agora fikei sem a minha makaka chita linda minsturada cm EMO =[
vê se naum arruma outro namorado por enquanto deixa eu fika mais aliviado tah!?

ILOVEYOUFOREB'S "

- Gabriel Padilha 12/22/08

they were good times while they lasted.
but i have to say.
that fortuanetely.
im over him.
i never loved HIM.
I loved the fact of being in a relationship.
now that i've realized that,
i can move on.

im sure i dont need to get into a lot of detail.
so im not going to.
long story short.

i got interested in lorrany's boyfriend allan. so i tried to turn him against her. it backfired. he told her everything. i said so much shit. i said it all on msn and he emailed the whole convo to her. she showed layane. who showed ocrecia. who showed aderlando and they all showed marlene.
who showed my mom.
on top of saying shit about lorrany. i said my mom was fake, and talks shit about everyone and hates ocrecia and is all fake with her. my mom said she cried the whole time while reading the conversation.

i cried
i apologized to my mom
i tried to do everything possible but its not worth it
what i did was horrible. im so fake. i say i hate 2 faced people but look at me.
i feel like the biggest shit on the planet.
i will never.
never ever ever.
gossip.
ESPECIALLY if it's witha  boyfriend of a friend.
its NOT worth it

NOTE TO SELF;
IT'S
NOT
WORTH
IT